


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 499

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [28]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 06:03:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6788953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When we last left our hero the hermit, Obi-Wan had crushed his arch nemesis under the weight of a mountain, and Mace felt crushed as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 499

TATOOINE - Day 499:

Two weeks. It's been two weeks since I caused the cave to come crashing down on that Force sucking bastard. Vinto Tox is no more, but by the way Mace has been acting you'd never know it. He's like a sniveling death stick junkie who desperately needs a fix. It's totally pathetic. He's a shell of his former self, and has turned into an mindless drone. 

My Force powers have returned to their full strength. I'm assuming it's the same situation for Mace, only he's refusing to use his powers for some reason. 

The first few days after our liberation from Vinto Tox, Mace aimlessly paced the hut. He was in a state of sheer panic. As he walked in circles he spoke of his Master and scratched at the small hole in his arm from where he had been hooked up to the machine. He picked at it so feverishly that he tore the needle sized hole wide open, and lost quite a bit of blood in the process. 

When the mindless pacing ended, the depression set in. Mace stopped eating and sleeping, his foul-mouthed dialogue even came to an abrupt end. Then Mace started leaving the hut at the same time each day, the time he had usually left to meet with Tox. After a few days of this I decided to follow him and discovered that he had returned to the collapsed cave and was manually moving boulders, as if he were trying to dig his Master out. 

The next day I blocked him from leaving the hut. "Where are you going, Windu?"

"I must free my Master," he said, refusing to make eye contact. 

I slapped him almost as hard as I could. "Mace, you ignorant slut! You are free from that jerks hold over you. You need to accept that!"

"But he saved my life. I owe him a life debt."

"You owe him nothing!" I was furious. "He didn't save you, he enslaved you!"

Staring at the dirt floor, all Mace had to say was, "I don't know."

Completely frustrated by the former Jedi Master who stood before me, now a spineless boob, I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. "Come on! Snap out of it Mace, call me a mother fucka or something."

He slumped to the floor and began weeping. 

That night I slept in front of the hut's door, and after a few days of that he no longer tried to return to the cave. 

I felt the pull of Luke and my neglected mission to watch over him. I don't know if I was just fed up with Mace, or that I felt I could trust him, but I started leaving him alone in order to check on the Lars homestead. Most of the time Luke was outside with Beru, and watching her I began to get the familiar longing in my groin for her. I could kill that slug Owen so easily, take his place, and be happy once again. I could move into their home and live underground with Luke and Beru, and forget all the freaks and assholes that Tatooine had to offer. But once again there was always the issue of their safety. I was a scumbag magnet, attracted them like flies and as long as I was around they'd always be in danger. 

This morning when my one-eyed, one-handed guest woke up he informed me that he was going for a walk, but promised to stay away from the cave. Today I really didn't care what he did. I had an intense feeling telling me to get to Owen's place and check on Luke. Something significant was going to happen today, and I knew that part of that involved getting to see Beru again. 

As I walked through the desolation of the Jundland Wastes I came across my blood stains on the canyon walls where Vinto Tox had tossed me around like some kind of space rag doll. Thank the Maker he was dead. What a douche. And I still couldn't get over how much he had Mace by the short and curlies. 

When I got within range of the Lars place I saw a figure standing alone outside waving their arms in the air. Peeking through my binoculars I was surprised to discover it was Beru, and she appeared to be waving for me come and talk to her. 

The closer I got to her the more excited I became. She was smiling at me in a way that she hadn't done since we had done the deed together. Maybe Owen was dead! My dreams had finally come true!

"Hello Obi," the words rolled off her luscious tongue and through her tasty lips like beautiful music (and I'm talking good music, not that crap they play in the cantina). 

She gave me a look that I could feel in my hip pocket. "What can I do for you, Beru."

"Owen is inside with one of your friends." She smiled deliciously. "I thought maybe you'd like to come in for a bit and join us."

"One of my friends?"

"Yes, the man said he sold you your vaporator. He's trying to cut a deal with Owen."

Dammit, not only was Owen still alive but someone was posing as my friend, and considering I didn't have any this couldn't be good. 

I followed Beru. When we entered the dining room I nearly crapped my robe. There, laughing it up beside Owen was Mace Windu! 

"Mr. Kenobi!" Mace said with too much enthusiasm. He stood up and made me shake his creepy stub. "I was just telling Mr. Lars here about the great deal I got you on your vaporator."

"Yes," I said cautiously, "what a shocking deal it was."

Beru motioned for me to take a seat and poured me a glass of her infamously disgusting blue milk. As I took a polite sip I felt her toes moving up my leg. 

What the hell did I walk into here?!

Then Luke starting calling from inside the kitchen. 

"Well," Owen said, "I guess he's done playing. Excuse me for a moment."

Just as Owen stood and left the table, Beru quickly withdrew her foot from my crotch. 

I was completely overwhelmed. And as I stared viciously into Mace's one good eye he leaned in and wanted to know why Owen dressed like a Jedi. It took all my strength not to decapitate him right then and there. 

Owen returned holding Luke. The Chosen One quickly made eye contact with me and giggled in delight. 

"Oh, Mr. Kenobi," Mace began, "I don't know if you've met their little one. This is Luke. Luke SKYWALKER." As the words left his wretched mouth it twisted his lips into an evil grin. 

That's when I realized I was going to have to kill this bastard.


End file.
